My life this past couple of months was one of my most struggling moments in my life. I've ended last year feeling oddly sad and started this year feeling so lonely and alone. That journey felt like i was in a long dark tunnel and seemed like there's no light at the end of that journey i was going through. It was an emotional battle for me for quite a while and i admit i almost gave up. I've lost my self respect at one point and did something i shouldn't have done. I was rebelling in my own self. Many times, I've thought of ending it my way. But i just didn't have the guts to do it. I don't have such courage and couldn't do it. Which I'm so glad right now that i didn't and I'm not like that... But a lot of times that i wished i will never wake up the following day. So when I'm awaken, i always forced myself to go back to sleep. It was so hard for me every morning to at least move out of bed and start another day. And during those first few months was actually the toughest for me. During those times, it was when i wanted to just sleep and stay in my dreams and not wake up with reality. I couldn't even remember waking up feeling good at all. I was dead weak, so sad and so depressed and didn't care what's going on. For the first time in my life's journey --- I literally lost the will to live during those times.
But what's worst was, i sucked it all in. Because no body in this house knows what i was going through then. What I've been through emotionally & mentally --- They never had a single clue at all. And i couldn't afford to tell them either. The only courage that i had then was the courage to pretend, that i wasn't crashing inside. They might have noticed some changes in me, but they never suspected it as something negative was going on inside of me with my mood swings.
And my attitude towards my career, they thought i was being a slack off. A lazy one with no future anymore. And i couldn't care any less what they were thinking and saying to me. Every time they confronted me about why and how could i stop moving my career forward and be a slacked off, didn't affect me at all. Was only always speechless because they're right. That time when them talking to me my career i was like in a bubble and they were talking to a wall that doesn't have the heart to feel and a mindless one. Yeah i listened to them, but their words just didn't matters to me. It gets in my left ear then went out on my right ear. And i don't speak out anything back at all (but at the back of my mind i wanted to say to them "How i wished I'm dead if you only knew"). Sometimes i don't even looked at them when they talked to me, 'cause all i could see was darkness in front of me. It was just really hard for me to comprehend a thing to move on and definitely one of my most trying times...
And looking back now!? Whew... I went through it!? What a hell!? Hehe.. And I'm so glad i have few friends with whom i can tell how i was really doing and friends who listened to me every time i wanted to vent out during those times. Friend's listening with my drama's without complaints and judging me. And thinking about it now, I'm so grateful for my friends. My closest friends here who's invitation to hang out with me were always right timing and what i needed. My awesome friends Belinda, Jessie and most specially Sherrie. They're the ones who's there with me and for me. Belinda was always there listening when i wanted to vent and encourages me to be strong. She just have no idea how thankful i was when she was always there for me, listening and not shutting me off and not judging me at all. And 'til now she's still there for me and listens to me when i needed someone to talk to. And with Jessie, what's great about her is that she always makes me laugh and eases me and makes me forget what sucks in my life. She always makes me feel lighter and happy every time we talk. She might not know everything, but at times when i couldn't take it and was feeling down and weak. She always uplifts me and makes me feel good, and that everything will be alright with out her even knowing it, that she's already helping me get through that darkness i went by. And I'm also soo grateful to Sherrie. Because she's been there for me and she never left me at all, in spite of what I've done with her before. Specially these past couple of weeks my friend Sherrie made me realized a lot of things.. Things that i should have known after all this time. She's simple an amazing friend to me. No wonder she's always been special to me. She was the one who was there for me before when i was down and at my worst me and changed that and made me feel better and made me very happy then and she's still that same friend now, who made me see through it again and made me realized that I'm not only moving on no more, because I've already moved on and embarking the new journey of my life. Though realizing is a bitter sweet, 'cause it only not made me regret hurting her before but i also regret losing her once as one my closest/best friends and made me realized that was one of the biggest mistakes that I've done in life. But on the other hand I'm still glad, because i wouldn't have known it if not for her. I mean, that I've finally moved on. And words are not enough, to explain how happy and thankful i am to them. They all have a part of pulling me out of that long dark tunnel. They all pulled me out and made me believe in myself ones more and gave me hopes to live again. And I love them all sooo dearly.
And so now, I'm just so happy I've ended that dark journey and I'm now ready to face my journey in this world again. Career is doing fine and I'm looking forward to the future and hopes to never ever go back to that long dark tunnel again, specially with the same reason. I will have the guts to kill myself for sure, if I'll go through it over again.
